I’ll be dedicating a lot of my time during Family Mediation Week to talk about mediation and its benefits to separating parents as I do each year. It’s a week well known in the mediation community and with my fellow legal professionals. It takes many months of planning and there is a buzz of activity in the world of mediation during that week. This year there are webinars for teachers, GPs, health practitioners, counsellors, domestic abuse agencies and for those who might be considering mediation but not sure if it will work because they are in high conflict. The timetable is available here https://www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/fmw/all-events/
However, the problem is that the mediation message is not widespread with those who need it most – families in the midst of a separation. I still see and hear people with best intentions telling those who are separating ‘you must go and get a solicitor’ and ‘you should apply to court’ etc. I worked as a family lawyer for over 20 years so I am not in any way dismissive of people getting advice and actively encourage it in mediation. However, the rhetoric that anyone experiencing a family separation should see a solicitor as a first port of call is what I would like to change.
I believe if people explored the possibility of mediation or an alternative to a traditional legal process (which believe it or not depending on who you see and their approach often still involves exchanging letters/ e-mails rather than facilitating meetings and phone calls) more would explore their options as to the best way forward for them.
The first conversation should really be about what people want from their separation, how they want it to be for themselves and for any children caught up in the middle and how they can be supported through such a traumatic life event. Too often the first conversation is about what financial settlement should be aimed for, what the arrangements for your children should be based on what ‘most people’ do. Many think they want this guidance but what it does from the outset is set you on a path where someone else will make decisions for you, where you are basing your family arrangements for the future based on what others might do or have done historically and often the advice you receive differs from the advice your ex partner might receive which immediately causes conflict.
If we take the time to explore firstly how best to resolve your family separation I believe many more couples will avoid getting into a costly process or a process which antagonises and instead people will be moving forward, supported and empowered to find a way forward which works. If mediation is not the right process, I am able to help you consider what else might help.
Family separation must be viewed as a process and not a single event in our society. We do not generally make a decision to separate lightly. My experience tells me that people think about it often for years before they separate. Many have been through counselling and have really tried to avoid a separation because of the fear of what the future might hold.
The process for every person in the family affected by the separation is different. Children go through a grief process. Adults go through a grief process and that process is not linear or the same for every person. How we support those going through this grief process really sets the tone for how things are going to be in the future for the family. Are they going to work through the various emotions and the questions and decisions that need to be made on separation respectfully and together or are they going to sit with grief, anger, resentment and broken communication for years ahead? Mediation is a process which is tailored to your needs. It is by no means easy as it asks you to sit with uncomfortable emotions and work towards finding a joint outcome but the alternative of court for example really isn’t fit for purpose if we as a society want to strive for better separation outcomes and to empower parents to make their own decisions as to what is best for their children and themselves.
I have a small community of followers on my various social media platforms so my pledge for this year’s Family Mediation Week is to try and reach out to those who are in need of family mediation so that they are aware of this option as a way of resolving a family separation in a dignified, structured, safe, supportive way. Surely, as a society this is what we should be striving for in every family separation to protect the emotional health and wellbeing of anyone impacted.
I hope talking a little more about family mediation during that week and beyond for 2024 helps. I am available to anyone who might like to explore the possibility of family mediation for an initial chat. I am also always interested to speak to anyone thinking about training as a family mediator. I offer professional practice consultancy to accredited mediators and mediators in the making alongside my work with separating couples. I am also trained to see children directly as part of a mediation process to ensure that they also have a safe space to talk about their feelings. Talking to children more and putting them at the heart of a family separation is something I am passionate about so do get in touch if you would like to explore how I might be able to help.
Clare Kitteridge
Accredited Family Mediator
Trained to consult directly with children
Professional Practice Consultant
Member of Resolution