Here I am, talking about Family Mediation Week again! If you follow my work on social media or on my website, you will see that I speak about this important week every year. The reason I do so is that I am passionate about ensuring that anyone facing a divorce or separation knows that there are options which do not involve appointing solicitors and engaging in costly negotiations or going straight to court. Both of these options have their place but there are now so many other ways to move through the trauma of a divorce and this week puts the spotlight on mediation in all its forms.
Mediation is for those who want the support of a professional but also want to work collaboratively to find a solution which fits your individual circumstances. It is a process which respects the years you have spent together and brings you control as to what your outcome will be. I was asked by someone the other week what work I did and was surprised when I told them and their response was ‘oh so you help couples stay together.’ We still do not know enough about mediation generally as a society and television shows continue to repeat the same mantra where people face ‘legal battles.’ I am involved usually where couples have already reached the difficult decision that their relationship has come to an end but do not wish to engage in an adversarial process, which might further damage the ongoing relationship they will need to have to best support their children.
My vision is to create for every couple I work with a bespoke process where they can reach a set of proposals as to how they will continue to parent and support their children and work through the financial division of their family pot through a series of meetings. A huge part of mediation is that commitment to working together but also communicating in a safe space. Of course, in an ideal world couples would separate and sit down together round their kitchen table and work through a plan themselves. However, when you separate, regardless of who has made that final decision, you are facing the loss of your relationship, the hopes you had as to what your future may have looked like financially, fears as to how you and your children will cope with any changes that will need to be made. That can be overwhelming. You may also be trapped in a cycle where you are not communicating effectively with each other and need some help managing your interactions and changing any cycle of unhelpful communication which has often build up over years of ineffective resolution. I often ask ‘how have you resolved any conflict in the past’ and many times the answer, on reflection, is that nothing was ever resolved but you found ways to cope with this such as a period of ignoring each other then just moving forward.
You are working through these huge decisions whilst dealing with a grief process. You may be angry and you could be completely destabilised and unable to function. Having the support of a professional who understands all these emotions and can help you focus when you may be struggling facing the situation or the other person, is that additional layer from sitting round your kitchen table. Effectively, you are coming to my kitchen table to have these discussions.
The process is emotionally demanding but the benefits are huge. By finding an outcome which is mutually acceptable, it opens the door for you to move on when you are ready, without regret or negative feelings or emotions which will not serve you and can have long term affects on your health and wellbeing. I am often reminded in my work of this quote from the brilliant book ‘the body keeps the score’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk M.D. ‘for real change to take place, the body needs to learn that the danger has passed and to live in the reality of the present.’ Mediation requires you to focus on the reality of the present but in a safe, structured, kind and supportive process which respects your emotional wellbeing.
There is also space importantly for your children to share their wishes and feelings about how things are for them. It is normal to want to protect your children by not talking about the family separation but I believe that most children welcome a space to speak about what their views are so that they can also look back at this period of their live, feeling they have also been considered. If you have watched any of the ‘My Mum Your Dad’ programmes, the thing that resonated so strongly from that programme was the impact on the adult children seeing their parents facing separation, the effect it had upon them and the desire for their parents to be happy at all costs. Relieving children of this pressure, fear, worry about their parents and giving them a space to process how they are feeling at the time the family are facing the trauma and changes is hugely beneficial than picking up the pieces when they are in adulthood.
So, this is why I turn up each year and talk about mediation. Not in such a way where I am saying that it is the right solution for everyone but in the sense of trying to give balance to the dated belief that solicitors and courts are the only way forward. Both have their place and at every initial meeting I have I will consider all of the options available so that you can find the right process to meet your needs. You often cannot control a decision to separate but you can control how you respond and there are so many professionals out there who can help you achieve the separation you want.
