Mediation is a process which couples actively choose to engage in, usually because they want to avoid unnecessary emotional or financial cost and because they want to find an outcome which enables them both to move forward. I often remind my clients that the success of their mediation is down to them and not me. I will create the right environment for thinking and for talking but the outcome is one which is completely within your control. I am responsible for the process but not the outcome. Here are some of my tips to get the most out of your mediation.
- Choose your mediator together – find a mediator who you are both comfortable with. Chat to that mediator before you book an initial appointment, get a feel for the mediator by looking at their website and their social media. Make sure they are registered with the Family Mediation Council and commit to ongoing professional development and regular supervision. Find out how they work (are they offering mediation online or face to face) and whether that fits with you. Feel free to speak to a few mediators before deciding who you want to work with.
- Be intrigued – seek to find out what the other person is thinking rather than assuming.
- Ask questions of each other – try not to assume that you know what the other person will say or do. Instead, ask them and seek to understand how they are feeling. You do not have to agree with them but an ability to want to consider the other person’s perspective is essential.
- Please come with an open mind – if you are in any way fixed as to what you think the outcome should be and unwilling to consider the other person’s point of view or any alternative solutions, mediation is unlikely to be successful.
- Use all of the support that is available – mediation is an emotionally demanding process which can take a lot of energy. You may find it helpful to also work with a therapist, counsellor or coach to help deal with emotions which may arise during the process and to keep you on track.
- If you are working through the financial aspects of your separation, you are likely to need input from other professionals working alongside the mediation process. You will need advice from a solicitor to help you understand your reasonable goalposts for settlement, the financial disclosure and to give perspective on the range of possible outcomes. You may also need a pension actuary to work through the various pension options. Mediation works best when you have legal, financial & business advice to help you make the best decisions. Your mediator cannot give you legal advice as that is not their role, even if they come from a legal background or are practising as a family lawyer.
- Consider when you schedule your meetings. Would a Friday afternoon session really be helpful or would that impact your weekend? What might you need after that meeting? Will you need time before returning to your usual life to collect your thoughts or take some exercise, will you need to meet a friend for a coffee or would it be better to return to work if that helps you focus your mind again.
- Avoid making derogatory comments about the other – this affects the environment and is not conducive to working together which is what mediation is all about. When you are finding things difficult, ask for a break to re group or ask the mediator to help you work through how you are feeling in a productive way. We understand how difficult things can be.
- Be ready to embrace discussions about the future – it is often not helpful to dwell on what has gone wrong in the past and your mediator will want you to think about what changes can be made to improve things.
- Bring your children into the room (metaphorically) – how would you want to model to them your communication? How would you want them to see you? This can be really helpful when things are stressful.
- Be prepared to work – your mediator may ask you to carry out tasks in order for you to be prepared for your discussions. These are essential for you to get the most out of your mediation sessions. Take the time to read any guidance provided by the mediator. It is often helpful to save any e-mails from your mediator in a folder that you can look back on as you move forward.
- Let your support network know that you are going through a mediation process and ask them to respect that, rather than hinder it. It may not be their choice but it is your choice and they may not understand the process or what it entails as everybody’s separation and experience is bespoke.
- Consider when is the right time to mediate. Is anything really urgent that you need to discuss or would your discussions be more productive if you both had more time to come to terms with your separation so that you are not so emotionally flooded that it impacts your capacity to think and participate fully.
- It is okay to change your mind. Mediation is a completely voluntary process for all parties at all times. You may have thought that mediation would be right for you but you may be struggling. We can help you move out of mediation to another process which might suit you better.
- Talk to your mediator – if anything is not working for you, please make your mediator aware and we will always do our utmost to make changes, if appropriate to help.
